Its one of those days

DSC_2241z, originally uploaded by youheng1.

...i just want to scream and it feels as if the world is conspiring to get me down.

some highlights:

First was the instruments. Yes, its taking long, and the finances are horribly messy... as are the logistics. Yes, people are bugging me about the instruments. Yes, the instruments were supposed to be in last week... but it doesn't stop the companies from failing to deliver. it just so tediously complex in face of the upcoming CA's which, YES, i haven't studied for either... So am i stressed? you could say a little.

Secondly, my schedule in ACS. I work parttime too. Its mentally and physically exhausting to be coping with both (med and work). Especially since i broke my productive study schedule to rush back to teach. Am i disgruntled? you could say a little too.

Thirdly, the extremely unsatisfactory phone call in which i was slammed for being a busybody... thankfully thats been settled... i meant well m'dear even if you took it the wrong way (a better solution would have been to just clearly defined my role.. i may have tried to do too much!). anyway, whats said and done, its still no excuse that i was a naggy bitch. Am i annoyed? you could say mildly so... about the lack of communication for want of anything better to pin it on. anyway, i know you've been having a pretty bad time yourself - i do hope life resolves itself *hugs*.

Fourthly, yesterday. Oh i don't even want to begin. I just wish people would take RSVP's seriously (ie. reply - so i don't have to play the guessing game whether you're coming) and not cancel at the last minute. I do have to buy the food and im not exactly walking on SUNSHINE. Food costs money. Food saves lives in the banana republics around the world. Both are a bad thing to waste. Anyway, to all the folks redhanded out there, be reassured im not pissed or anything. i've learnt that theres always going to be a fair proportion of last minute change of plans. its just so annoying in general.

And the best of all (we're reaching the crux):

i was mocked by the macadamia nuts on my desk. ok maybe not mocked but rudely shaken into this reality: the incredible lacklusterness of being.

what caught my eye was the phrase: expiry date is printed on the packet.

for crying out loud... the thought suddenly popped into my mind. Does emotion have an expiry date?

and then i realised -
theres no running when you realise you've been running from yourself all this while.

i cannot live a lie. neither can i move on.
whats to be done?

'm beginning to fray at the ends/coming undone one thread at a time.
a rollarcoaster existance with its highs and lows/when will you learn to forget the plunge?

i guess its in the dizzying exhilaration of ascent...